A BIG HOW?

I can't see myself in future. Neither in the past. Why? Because I don't dream? Or I don't have a dream? I love writing or typing perhaps, But I had no idea what I suppose to typing with. Sometimes, I got some ideas. Just because I'm afraid people will judge my writing skills. I don't capable to handle that judgment. T^T

How I suppose t see myself? I want to write. I want to have some ideas. I want to dream big. Have my own book on publication. BUT!

BUT! I always have to three letter that make one word. BUT! I hate it, you don't know how much I want to kill that reason. BUT! It's keep me from my dream. Keep me far away from what I want. I hate it so much!! Please! leave me alone. I want to tell my children that how much I'm grown up. I don't want to stay in comfort zone. As I see people grown up, that means how much I want to be a big me. BUT keep me away. BUT! 

Please tell me how???? I'm crying inside for a changes. How! How?? People tell me you must tell yourself, YOU MUST CHANGE! CHANGE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. PLEASE! I NEED SOME MOTIVATION!